How to Make a Clown of the Sparrow
by mysticwriters
Summary: What happens when Jack Sparrow meets a crazed midget who wants to teach him some manners? Chaos! (includes Scarlet and Giselle mud wrestling.)
1. Anable Rocksno, that's really her name

Katrina Trsika DelaVon was really in a bad mood. She hated the docks because her peg leg always got stuck in the holes that littered the way. After her leg got stuck in a hole for the millionth time she got fed up, nook off her leg and hopped the rest of the way to the ocean for a swim to Atlanta.  
  
She passed a bearded man with gold teeth and trinkets in his hair who though that was the strangest thing he had ever seen.  
  
Never mind.  
  
Jack shrugged and headed to the bar to drink all the rum. He heard a drunken woman singing Johnny Tarr and thought this was highly amusing and was flattered that someone made a song about him. Except they changed the name. Then he changed his mind when Johnny Tarr died of thirst after drinking 15 pints of rum. Then decided that was a pretty cool way to die. He continued to wonder about this and so didn't even notice a member of his crew sitting very comfortably with a wench on his knee.  
  
"Right..." sighed Jack. "I need me self a wrench."  
  
"NO you don't!" exclaimed a woman behind him. She was short...no, she was a midget with an attitude! Short spiked blue and green hair and half blue half brown eyes. She wore what looked like a business suit and heels. A brief case was in hand and a can in the other.  
  
"Uh who are you?" Jack asked slightly alarmed.  
  
"You don't need to know that at the moment Mr. Sparrow." She snorted  
  
"Actually its captain Jack Sparrow luv," Jack tried to correct.  
  
"Don't you Captain me mister! Now down on all fours and let me give you a spanking!" she demanded.  
  
"Why are you here?" Jack asked bending down as she spanked him.  
  
"There it is. You need to learn some manners." She said  
  
"Who are you?" Jack asked  
  
"My name is Mrs. Annabel Rocks" she replied sternly.  
  
"Who on Earth would want to marry you?" Jack asked, clearly confounded.  
  
"I'm not married; it's a term of respect."  
  
"No it isn't and what kind of name is that!"  
  
"MINE!!!!!" Jack shrunk back.  
  
"Okay, okay, sorry." Ms. Annabel Rocks eyes him sternly. He cracked up laughing. She flipped him off.  
  
"For someone that needs a lawyer, you are very rude. Now bend over and let me spank you again like the naught boy you are." He obliged and she spanked him with a wooden paddle that really hurt. He doubted that he would be able to sit for a rather long while. Then again, she probably wouldn't let him. He realized he was starring when she started shooting daggers at him. If looks could kill, he'd be dead. But if thoughts could kill, she would have her head blown off with a gun by now; and eaten by a fish.  
  
"Okay you stop anytime now!" he sighed. She let him stand back up.  
  
"No, mister Sparrow, how do you address a woman?" she asked  
  
"Ello luv." He replied. She kicked in the shins.  
  
"NO! NO! NO! You say: hello Madame how are you today?" she corrected him.  
  
"Ok." Jack agreed so he wouldn't be spanked again.  
  
"Now go over to those two ladies and repeat what I just taught you." She demands. He looks at the two women.  
  
"Are you crazy woman- I mean aren't thou...um, crazy sir, ma'am." He stutters.  
  
"Why are you so afraid?" she demands  
  
"I know them." He replied. She kicked him again.  
  
"Ow! Okay, Okay!" he whines then walks over to the women...Scarlet and Giselle. "Hello Madame how are you today?" he asked shakily. Scarlet slapped him as Giselle kicked in his man hood. He fell over in pain.  
  
"Okay, that's the last time I'm going to be polite because some short old lady with spiked hair told me to. With the name of Annabel Rocks." Ms. Rocks slapped him with an extendable paddle and put her hands on her hips. Jack found that amazing.  
  
"Take that back." Jack rubbed his broken nose and nodded.  
  
"Okay, anything you say." Ms. Rocks grinned.  
  
"Good. Now I want you to apologize to those two women and offer weeks worth of servitude." Jack's eyes goggled  
  
"WHAT!!!!!! Ah, heck no you crazy woman!" Ms. Rocks glared at him, silently promising to hurt him if he didn't and her glare spoken a thousand words. "Okay, I'll do it."  
  
"Good boy." She said and watched him walk back to Scarlet and Giselle, utterly humiliated.  
  
"Giselle, Scarlet, before you kick me manhood or slap me again I've got something to say." Jack said his hands covering his manhood. "I'm so sorry for all the pain I've caused you. And I could I'd it all back."  
  
"Jack...that's so sweet!" exclaimed Scarlet.  
  
"It is?" Jack asked surprised he wasn't on the ground in pain yet.  
  
"Yes. Oh Jack I want you!" exclaimed Scarlet.  
  
"No he's mine!" yelled Giselle. The two women started slapping each other and tearing off each others cloths.  
  
Suddenly they were in a mud wrestling arena. They were in nothing but their corsets and pantaloons. They slapped ands kicked, and fought. Jack sat in a chair eating an apple quite amused. Suddenly they slapped each other then looked into each others eyes and began making out.  
  
Then the door swung open and standing there was Annabell Rocks. He shrunk back in fear fore she had a whip in her hand. She advanced on him and grabbed his ear and dragged him out of the arena. Once outside he knew what to do. He bent down as Annabell began to spank him.  
  
"You weren't supposed to drive them apart. Now go and offer your service to them for anything they so desire." She ordered. His eyes went wide. She cracked her whip and he ran back to where Scarlet and Giselle in corsets and pantaloons drinking lemonade.  
  
"This is weird. I think this is a conspiracy." HE muttered to himself.  
  
"Hello Jack. Why don't you take a nap?" Jack agreed and fell asleep on a bed. Giselle and Scarlet grinned at each other, and removed his hair ornaments, replaced them with pink Barbie ornaments; dyed his hair orange, his beard pink, and put so much pink and glitter make up on that he looked like Barbie on hyper drive. Then grinning, Scarlet and Giselle went back to the lawn chairs and drank their lemonade, waiting for Jack to wake up. And they talked about monkeys and The United Preppy Savages that had kidnapped a woman named Vanessa and had uniforms of skimpy lingerie.  
  
Jack awoke a few hours later and felt...different. He sat up and noticed first of all his hair trinkets were lighter. He ran out of the room to find a mirror. He found on in the bathroom.  
  
"AHHHHHH! OH MY GOD!!!! AHHHHH! I'mTHIS HAS TO BE A- AHH!" he screeched dancing around the bathroom. He kicked the toilette. He broke his toe and hopped around on one foot. "SOME ONE HELP ME!!!"  
  
The door opened and the last person he wanted to see was standing there. Annabell Rocks. She laughed hysterically and fell to her knees. Jack gave her the finger with out thinking...thank god she didn't see it. Jack knew who did this....SCARLET AND GISELLE! He ran out side and found the girls missing. There was nothing but Barbie dolls and orange and pink hair dye. He fainted. Purely out of Humility.  
  
And as he was out, a flock of screaming fan girls found him and before snogging them (which they would have done) they laughed hysterically at the interesting color of his accessories. Then one smart woman got out and dyed his skin purple. And put a tattoo of a short woman with spiked hair with a whip and a cruel grin on his cheek.  
  
Then Scarlet and Giselle walked up, still in corsets and pantaloons with a bucket of water. Which they promptly poured on Jack's head. He woke up sputtering and muttering profanities by the dozen and ten fold, which immediately earned him a beating from Annabel Rocks. And then a whip lash on his tush. He screamed.  
  
"You are all crazy" and he ran away into the sunset with his but on fire. 


	2. The voyage begins HEEELPPPPPP

Jack had finally got water on his butt and was feeling much better. He sighed in relief. 'She's gone!' he thought then started doing a snoopy dance. He heard foot steps behind him. 'Oh please don't let that be her!' he stopped abruptly and turned around slowly. He saw a two women. One had short messy blond hair and blue-green eyes, and the other had short brown hair and green eyes. They were wearing breeches and off white shirts. They began walking toward him.  
  
"Mr. Sparrow, who are you running from?" asked the brown hair woman.  
  
"Could it be a small psycho midget with serious issues?" asked the other, notcing his odd colorment.  
  
"Who are ye?" asked Jack.  
  
"we are Penelope" she motioned to the blond, "and Sassy."  
  
"okay, why are we here?" Jack asked confused.  
  
"We are two women who are trying to find United Preppy Savages." Sassy replied.  
  
"Who are they?" asked Jack  
  
"Preppies." Replied Penelope.  
  
"We need to be going now sir, excuse us." Penelope said pushing past Jack. The two women walked off into the sun set. Jack stood there confused. He was still happy that his butt wasn't on fire and that midget wasn't around.  
  
But that name ran a small bell in his head.  
  
Scarlet and Giselle! Oh no! Why them? He groaned.  
  
"Wait! I know someone that can help." The two women looked back at him. "This way." He said and walked back to the town he left.  
  
It was still broad daylight and a street band in the corner wearing pink nylons and green waistcoats were playing a very creepy tune.  
  
"THERE HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!" Annabel Rocks said. "Get him!" she pointed to Jack His eyes went wide and he ran smack into Penelope and Sassy, knocking them down. "Apologize at once!" She screamed.  
  
"I'm terribly sorry-"he began.  
  
"There they are, the leaders of the United Preppy Savages gang." Sassy yelled, pointing to Scarlet and Giselle. The band began to play the Can- Can.  
  
Scarlet and Giselle took off running and Sassy and Penelope went after them knocking over Jack in the process Jack fell on top of Annabel Rocks and she tipped over a book shelf with rum on it and the dominoes effect started as it knocked over another book shelf and that knocked over another one.  
  
Annabel chided Jack quickly and ran off to follow the two women and teach them some manners.  
  
The two women, however were currently doing a belly dance contest between Scarlet and Giselle on top of the Black Smith shop. So Annabel ran into the black smith shop, knocked over will who had a flaming brand in his had, the brand went flying out the door, skimming over Jack's head-but lighting his orange hair on fire.  
  
"Jack sniffed and rolled his eyes up, "Oh no." he whispered ,"YAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. "He howled as he ran into a talking cactus playing a violin.  
  
"Take your partner by the ears lash him to will, doc e do, turn the wheel listen to them squeal." As he was saying this a talking frog started to square dance with him.  
  
"CAAbIN FEEEEEEEEVERRR!!!!!!!" Sassy said jumping down from the roof with Penelope following. Everyone was now in a circle around Jack (including will, not including Annabel Rocks) and wearing pink wraps, fruit on their head and coconut bikinis and doing the Macarena.  
  
"What the bloody hell is going on here!" Jack exclaimed getting quite dizzy from everyone in the circle "stop!"  
  
They stopped and looked at him laughing. Scarlet and Giselle walk closedto him and circle him. He became nervous and covered his manhood. Giselle had a small bole of rum in her hand. She poured it on Jacks head, this caused the color to come out of his skin. He now looked normal. Scarlet then stood next to Giselle and began kissing his neck. Giselle began on his pants...but then Giselle was grabbed around the neck by Sassy and Giselle was being pulled away by her hair by Penelope. Sassy and Penelope dragged them off into the sunset.  
  
"No!" yelled Jack running toward after them, Will stepped in front of him.  
  
"Wait!" Will said. "Someone is behind you."  
  
Jack turned to see Mrs. Annabel Rocks. She was now in pirate clothing and looking extremely pissed off.  
  
"Mr. Sparrow!" she yelled.  
  
"Oh no!" Jack yelled.  
  
"It is time for you spanking!" she yelled pointing at the ground.  
  
"Alright." Jack replied. He knelled down and was on his hands and knees.  
  
"That's good..." she sighed. She took out a wooden paddle and began spanking. "One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!...."  
  
Will was standing there laughing like a maniac. Jack gave him a dirty look. Jack felt so embraced because half the town was watching it. Many were rolling on the ground laughing. Jack took out his pistol, (still being spanked.) and shot at someone's wig. Annabel was done.  
  
"Alright Jack you may go play, but play nicely!" Annabel yelled eyeing him sternly.  
  
"Yes ma'am." he said.  
  
He got up and sadly noticed that the person who's wig he'd shot was Commodore Norrington. And because Jack was having such a horrible day; Norrington was running toward him threateningly.  
  
Then Norrington stopped, realizing that he was still in a coconut bikini with a pink wrap around his waist. And Barbie flip flops. And Will stopped laughing as he realized that he too was in a coconut bikini and pink wrap, with fruit on his head.  
  
"Huh?" Will said. "oh, well, I'm going to go back and make me two swords."  
  
"And I'm going to find my shirt and underwear. Though I think I do look rather sliming in this. Don't you." Norrington said.  
  
"Yes very sexy." Will replied and went back into the shop. Jack scratched his head.  
  
"Elizabeth must have competition then." He commented. He heard five women laughing and turned around. There was Scarlet, Giselle-in corsets and pantaloons-Elizabeth-also in a corset and pantaloons, and Penelope and Sassy-wearing the breeches and off white shirts they were first in, commenting on the 101 uses for eggs.  
  
"There he is!" Elizabeth shouted pointing at Jack. All five of them pulled out an object. Elizabeth had a rolling pen, Scarlet had cheese, Giselle had milk, Penelope had eggs and Sassy had flour.  
  
"Holy-"he ran but tripped over Norrington's bikini and fell into a pile of horse manure. Gisele grabbed him by his shoulder and threw him on the table. Scarlet dumped a whole thing of grated cheese on him, Sassy dumped five galleons of flour on him Singing "Paddy Cake, Paddy cake." Giselle poured the milk over him and the flour turned all gooey, then Penelope chucked the eggs at his head and they all broke.  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEwwWWWWWWWWWWWWW" Jack squealed, "It's disgusting."  
  
"Roll him dough." Elizabeth sang and smacked him over the head with the rolling pin.  
  
"Then through him in the oven for daddy and me." They all sang together opening the hot black smith's door. Jack's eyes went wide.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAA AAAAAAAAAA*breath*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAA" he stopped. Penelope handed him a mint.  
  
"O, Barbie flavored." Jack said and swallowed the whole pack.  
  
"Yes, Barbie is good ommmmmmmm." A man said in the corner. Jack turned. It was Barbossa wearing neon pink robes sitting cross legged on a toad stool with a pink cone hat with Barbie rocks on the front in sparkly letter with Barbie head sticking out the top.  
  
"Lets have a part." Sassy said.  
  
"Hey Barbie lets go party, ah ah ah ah...." Barbossa sang. He kept singing the whole song and everyone got up and did the disco. Then Scarlet took one of Jack's arms, Giselle took the other and they went skipping of in the sunset singing.  
  
"Oh, were off to see the gizzard, the wonderful gizzard of it."  
  
Jack finally came to his senses. He looked around at everyone and came To one conclusion...everyone had gone crazy. He began to try and walk away with out being noticed. It worked. He ran quickly down an alley and into a dark space to hide. But he wasn't alone. Annabel Rocks was right behind him. She pinched his butt. He yelped in surprise.  
  
"Hello Mr. Sparrow. It seems everyone has gone completely crazy." She sighed angrily.  
  
"Yes! Finally something we can agree on!" Jack yelled. "It's bad enough Barbossa is a Barbie freak...but all the singing!"  
  
"It's bothersome." she said. Jack nodded. "Yes, Yes, it's quite annoying. But you must go back out there. You must go back out there and grab Giselle and Scarlet and bring them in here. That's your challenge."  
  
"Okay." Jack sighed knowing that if her said know she'd probably give him a whippin'. he slugged his way back out to where everyone was. But it seemed that everything was back to normal. Barbossa was normally sending his goons to savagely pillage Port Royal, he saw that Elizabeth was being hog tied and thrown in a bag then being carried to Barbossa's new ship. 'The Smelly Golden Vomit Launcher'. But he couldn't find Scarlet or Giselle.  
  
Now Jack must go on a Journey to find his women...but first he must find Will. Just then he saw will, he was trying his hardest to be a tough guy. Jack ran to him and pushed him behind a building.  
  
"Will, you must come with me!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Okay! They took my cuddle bear!" Will cried falling to his knees. Jack rolled his eyes.  
  
"Than we must go get her back!" Jack yelled. Will stood up and nodded.  
  
"Very true...let's go!" Jack said hurriedly.  
  
Jack and Will got a crew and set sail on the black pearl to find Elizabeth....and Scarlet/Giselle.  
  
They were walking along to the docks quite nicely when a tall blonde haired blued eyed, and pointy eared man with really shiny hair that looked like will and was dressed in very odd outfit walked up to them and gave Jack a bottle of shampoo. Then he put his hands up into his hair.  
  
"Yes, yes yes YES YEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!" while he was rubbing his hands into it and shaking his hair out. Then he walked away. Jack looked at the shampoo bottle, but since he didn't really know how to read, he shrugged and gave it to Will. Will opened it up to a big wiff and poured it all over Jacks head.  
  
"There you go Jack, you smell nice and pretty now."  
  
"Thank you Will." Jack replied. What he didn't know was that it was Herbal Essence for curly, dry. And color treated hair.  
  
A few hours later they were on a ship heading for Tortuga. And Jacks hair was turning blonde and afro portion curly. But he didn't notice.  
  
At least, he didn't notice until a man with cheese on his head came up and put cheese on his head. Then lit it on fire.  
  
This voyage was not looking very good at a start.  
  
(Shimmergloom) tune next time for chapter three! 


End file.
